Out Beyond Ideas of Wrongdoing and Rightdoing, There is a Field. Meet Me There.

Out Beyond Ideas of Wrongdoing and Rightdoing, There is a Field. Meet Me There.

Monday, November 29, 2010

R.I.P My Best Friend, My Baby, My Angel




Dear Bloggers, I wanted to write this as soon as possible but I couldnt. November 28 2010, Nika, the love of my life, my heart and soul had to be taken away from me and is now in Heaven where she well deserved to be. She lived 12 years and 10 months, just two more months until her 13th birthday Nika had to leave us. We put her down, as a family we decided she has fought to live for us for along time. Nika had diabetes but we made sure she was comfortable and got insulin and feedings. She was doing okay for a while after receiving insulin and getting strict feedings but it was a matter of time before her age and arthritis took over. Nika started losing mobility in her back legs. We had to start assisting her around the house but it started to get worse much more recently ...We said our good byes and called a doctor to the house to put her at rest and we did that so she was comfortable in her environment with all her loved ones around her. I couldnt stay though... I cried so much I would have passed out on top of her while I kisssed her soooo sooo much.... My dad advised me to leave but I listened because I knew I would have felt like I died seeing her die infront of me... I waited in my room. My mom told me she passed away like a beautiful angel that she was.... which leaves me to my next point. Nika, wow... she was a beautiful magnificant dog, The best personality you could ever imagine... she was literally an Angel... she listened to me all the time... and I dont mean just by commands... Nika truly stared into my eyes as I talked to her about life stories... with that sweet beautiful face. I know she was there for me all the time and she knew that she had to stick around until I was ready... Nika would have not left me... her whole body would have shut down on me and her heart and mind would still be there because she needed her heart to show me her love and her mind to keep her attention on me. I loved her dearly she was a dog that never gave up.... I wrote about her a few times before in my blog and I mentioned that her name Nika means overcoming suffering... That was nika alright, staying strong for me and my mom... My mom is taking it harder than me and I never would have guessed that... I would get anxiety in the middle of the night even when nika was young! because I would think abuot what I would do without her in my life.... Well life took over and death is a part of it and she is gone...

I wake up in the middle of the night with this deep sorrow and this sinking feeling in my heart... In the morning I wake up and wont get out of bed until I finish crying for three hours just calling her name, whishing I could kiss her beautiful cheeks and wait for her to pet me with her paw to ask me to do it again..... My mom slept with me last night because she was crying so much... when she cries I suddenly get the courage to suck it up and think positively... Its amazing how I actually start to feel that way.. today is a vey lonely day... going downstairs to see the main floor empty makes me feel like im not even at home any more... I feel like this house is a strangers house..... I constantly look at the spots where she was .... her fur is everywhere... I don't even want to get rid of it... I am soo heart broken, I am so in love with my dog.... she deserves the best in life and putting her down was the best thing for her because she was a gentle loving peaceful dog who deserved the same ending to her life.... I feel guilty sometiems because I feel like we took her life... and I cry often because of that... but Nika was striggling to be here for us and she wouldnt have left us I know it... she would have went through so much pain and suffering and still show she loved us and wanted to be here for us.... and she was just waiting for our call because she was ready but would only be ready if we were...


My Beautiful Nika, You have noo idea how much I adore you... I would kiss you all the time because I couldnt get enough of you... I would pet you for hours despite how itchy my eyes got from the allergies because I loved you so much.... I would kiss you goodnight come up stairs and then halfway through felts like I didnt kiss you enough and pet you and message you enough so I would come back down and end up spening hours with you.... I hope you know how much I love you... I hope you know it despite my teenage years when I would neglect you and take you for granted. You know I truly love you and I swear, some would say youre just a dog but Nika you were my baby, even when I was a baby myself. Back then you were my friend and I felt like you were older than me and gave me advice but just listening to me and trying to play with me and make me laugh just to make me snap out of any nonsense I was dealing with.... but after I became 18 I automatically treated you like a child... I took control of my responsibilities alittle more... I felt like you were my baby... and Nika, You were and still are!... that puppy face grew with you and you aged so greacfully baby girl... You are soo gorgeous and youre face will always be in my memory... I am sorry baby that you held on just for me and mommy, we both love you dearly and all we ask now is that youre happy and you are free! Be anything you can be Angel, I know you will be with us every now and then I know you will come and visit me sometimes because you were a dedicated puuppyy. I will never ever forget you angel especially all the fun times we had together! all the times I brought you out with my friends and played soccer and you were on my team! You were such a good goalie Nika! And when we played hockey! ahaha you were soo funny holding on to the stick... My memories can go on foreever and ever.... our secret bond will always keep me happy and content... you and I had something extremely special puppy... I will always remember that... Bloggers its tough losing a pet, because of the secret bond... its one where you just have to know that you love them and they love you... you just have to secretly express it and know it.... but all I know, is that a part of ones soul is never awake until you have loved the soul of an animal.. Nika where ever you aree, just know you were an angel here on earth, God would be crazy not to make you an angel in heaven!..... I believe angels come in all forms.. and You were the most beautiful angel in my life... you made me feel so much joy so much happiness.. so much love... I love you always and forever as long as im living my puppy you'll be! Here is a beautiful video that makes me happy each time<3 I love you Nika you have a beautiful soul in you.
video

5 comments:

  1. <3 Nika is your Angel and she will always be with you. <3

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  2. Jess, Nika was a beautiful dog. One of the best, only few lucky people get to have such a great dog and you were one of them <3. She is smiling down right now watching over you. She loves you just as much as you love her <3

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  3. Nika is now your guardian Angel and a guardian Angel is the best gift anyone can have.
    She loves you and she knows you did the right thing. You need the grieve it out, the feelings are normal and will get easier to deal with with time.
    I know all about empty houses, it's a horrible feeling especially going from a family of 6 to a family of 2, with two passing away right before your eyes. Take my word for it, it hurts and the sadness never fades but you do learn to accept and deal with it as this is life. :(
    Time heals all wounds
    Love you.

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  4. I am sitting her crying so hard. I know the feeling, I have had to do this too many times.
    I am so sorry, my heart is so heavy with your sorrow. They are the best friend a person can ever have. Please know that I care. ((HUGS))

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  5. I know now im a family of 5 to a family of 3 and its horrible here.. I miss her more than anything in the world, the pain is unbearable, I want her back... I didnt even have enough time to say goodbye to her... I miss her so much I have not stopped crying for days... Nika you were MY DOG, I love you unconditionally... I still remember the feel of your fur the smell or your fur, you cheeks.. omg im so afraid I will forget... I dont care who doesnt undertand... try getting a dog and you will... but its the worst feeling in the entire world... they stay with you long enough to make you hurt so much because the time they live you makes you feel like their life with you was just a dream.. I miss you Nika, I want you back:(....


    ...Thank you for all the kind words everyone and truly understanding how great of a loss she was to me...

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