So I have been doing a lot of contemplating. But this time I'm happy. I have learned alot about me through the many ups and downs and I realised. I deserve to be happy too. I realised that I am way too hard on myself, and that my feelings should come first and that they actually matter. I also realised that I constantly never felt worthy of anything that I can claim as my own. Like all the love in my life. Why do I always try to contradict it as if it is too good to be true? why do I doubt that no one will love me for who I am and that I need to prove to the world that I am really a good person? I needed to open my eyes. I am worthy enough to have really good friends in my life. I should stop doubting that. I realised that I am worthy of being loved by someone I consider to be absolutely perfect in everyway. That's what my problem was. I always felt that these beautiful people around me deserve better.But I deserve happiness just as much as they do! They are not perfect nor am I. To me, these people in my life that I love dearly are still beautiful people inside and out! But now, I just feel that I am too.
I know who I am, I am proud of who I am and I know longer fear acceptance. I felt so paralyzed this past while. I felt insecure, worried, and unsure. I didn't think ANYONE would understand the pain I have went through or the pain that I am going through just thinking about it all. But having a little trust in someone goes a long way. I trusted the words of a loved one and she made total sense. She said, " you are being way to hard on urself. You have to stop putting others on a pedestole because they are not perfect either, you are worthy of someones love and you have to start realising it" It doesn't matter what you have done it's what you are doing now. I'm happy I have my blog to express this feeling cause I actually feel alot better typing this out.
I am realising this feeling of guilt, doubt, unhappiness and replacing it with courage, faith and wisdom because I need to battle my feelings out and win, I need to have hope in myself that what I am doing is the best way to be, and realise why!
I am worthy, I deserve love, and I also deserve to love myself no matter what.