This is why I think in Psychic

Hello everyone,

I know the last few posts have been about my dog Nika, R.I.P babygurl....

But thats all I have been really wanting to focus on... and I still havent found my peace with it... I dont think I will but I will only accept it somehow.... I still miss her and its really hard being in the house... Im always alone now.... no one is ever here and when I go to work my mom is home alone... its pretty bad...

I dont want another dog, Nika was my dog... Im not sure when I wll ever feel like another dog can take the space of my home... all I know is the house stiill reminds me of my dog...


I had a dream on the during the morning of december 8 around 10:00 am that the doctor was trying to put my dog to sleep... but I couldnt let him and I was crying and begging him to go away but he just wouldnt budge..... he managed to sedate her but not give her the last shot that puts her to sleep for good(barbituates)... I picked her up.. as heavy as can be and struggled to the next room in my house... and he was obviuosly on my dog and I's tail....


I went to the kitchen and saw my mom and begged her soo much to stop him and then saw my dad and begged him so much to stop him too... they didnt really attempt much... so I started picking heavy things and throwing them at him trying to aim for his head.. I was crying alot in my dream.. I never cried like that in a dream...I ended up throwing my moms ashrtay at his head and that did the job :P.....


But my dream went on and some how Nika was gone from me and I cried and cried so much I went to the backyard and started crying even harder.... I came back inside and I had my whole family over from aunts to uncles to cousins... and on top of the table of my kitchen was a box... of ashes... my dad told me they were Nikas....

and then I woke up shortly after and the phone rang ..... it was the doctor that put Nika down.. he said her ashes were with him and are ready to be picked up...



I don't know what it is but I cant take this pain... She was such a special thing in my life..... and now I gotta get my big beautiful dog back in a tiny box...

on friday my dad is picking her up and I told him to hide the box from me until im ready... I still can't even bare knowing this...

I found it pretty crazy how I had this dream... and I just hope its a good sign... I felt horrible throughout the whole dream though... as if the doctor was a bad doctor and as if I am to blame myself...


But im not sure.. I also feel like it was a sign of Nika saying I am now truly gone. In my previous blog Nika showed me her spirit has left her.. so I believe.... but... this dream showed me she that her body is no longer here and she is ready to be set frree...

In the spring time, I am planning on releasing her ashes at the humber river... but I wanted to do it as soon as possible... I just dont think I have the guts to do it.. I am really scared to look at that box.


thanks bloggers... for readingxo

Lit a Candle

Dear bloggers... its been exactly a week since Nika has Passed and yes Im feeling the same as I did the day of....

but I wanted to write out something that I feel gave me slight bit of peace and hope...



I lit a candle for Nika the day she passed or maybe the day after cause my cousin mentioned to me that it is important to do after a loved one passes and it is a great way to read when a loved one is finally happy and with God and she told me when it dies out that you will recieve a sign. She told me that the flame indicates that Nika is still with me and waiting for me to heal just enough for her to move on and be happy because a loved one who has passed wont leave until we have grieved enough. well I am not ready I miss her dearly.. but I did feel that she really is gone... this whole week I was in denial... I have my moments even today but it just really felt like she was gone because last sunday she was with me and thinking of this sunday with her not being here will makes me feel it.....

after exactly a week since my puppy passed on... the candle died out. This morning I went downstairs to see it because I really felt that the flame burned out. It was around the same time Nika passed when I came to view the candle.... immediately after I searched for a sign...I looked out the window and it began to snow so beautifully...


I hope this was a sign from Nika and God that she has found her way home and she is happy....


Keeping you in my prayers always and forever baby girl.. I love you

A Dog for Jesus

I didnt write this poem though I wish I had...but I guess this one was left to God and his wisdom and all the things he wanted me to seek for... I found this and I feel so very blessed to have Nika for 13 years, Love you Angel, you're with Jesus, and God and all the lovely angels in heaven.

A DOG FOR JESUS
I wish someone had given Jesus a dog
As loyal and loving as mine
To sleep by His manger and gaze in His eyes
And adore Him for being divine.

As our Lord grew to manhood His faithful dog
Would have followed Him all through the day
While He preached to the crowds and made the sick well
And knelt in the garden to pray.

It is sad to remember that Christ went away
To face death alone and apart
With no tender dog following close behind
To comfort its Master's Heart.

And when Jesus rose on that Easter morn
How happy He would have been
As His dog kissed His hands and barked its delight
For The One who died for all men.

Well, the Lord has a dog now, I just sent Him mine
The old pal so dear to me
And I smile through my tears on this first day alone
Knowing they're in eternity.

Day after day, the whole day through
Wherever my road inclined
Four feet said, "I am coming with you!"
And trotted along behind

R.I.P My Best Friend, My Baby, My Angel

Dear Bloggers, I wanted to write this as soon as possible but I couldnt. November 28 2010, Nika, the love of my life, my heart and soul had to be taken away from me and is now in Heaven where she well deserved to be. She lived 12 years and 10 months, just two more months until her 13th birthday Nika had to leave us. We put her down, as a family we decided she has fought to live for us for along time. Nika had diabetes but we made sure she was comfortable and got insulin and feedings. She was doing okay for a while after receiving insulin and getting strict feedings but it was a matter of time before her age and arthritis took over. Nika started losing mobility in her back legs. We had to start assisting her around the house but it started to get worse much more recently ...We said our good byes and called a doctor to the house to put her at rest and we did that so she was comfortable in her environment with all her loved ones around her. I couldnt stay though... I cried so much I would have passed out on top of her while I kisssed her soooo sooo much.... My dad advised me to leave but I listened because I knew I would have felt like I died seeing her die infront of me... I waited in my room. My mom told me she passed away like a beautiful angel that she was.... which leaves me to my next point. Nika, wow... she was a beautiful magnificant dog, The best personality you could ever imagine... she was literally an Angel... she listened to me all the time... and I dont mean just by commands... Nika truly stared into my eyes as I talked to her about life stories... with that sweet beautiful face. I know she was there for me all the time and she knew that she had to stick around until I was ready... Nika would have not left me... her whole body would have shut down on me and her heart and mind would still be there because she needed her heart to show me her love and her mind to keep her attention on me. I loved her dearly she was a dog that never gave up.... I wrote about her a few times before in my blog and I mentioned that her name Nika means overcoming suffering... That was nika alright, staying strong for me and my mom... My mom is taking it harder than me and I never would have guessed that... I would get anxiety in the middle of the night even when nika was young! because I would think abuot what I would do without her in my life.... Well life took over and death is a part of it and she is gone...

I wake up in the middle of the night with this deep sorrow and this sinking feeling in my heart... In the morning I wake up and wont get out of bed until I finish crying for three hours just calling her name, whishing I could kiss her beautiful cheeks and wait for her to pet me with her paw to ask me to do it again..... My mom slept with me last night because she was crying so much... when she cries I suddenly get the courage to suck it up and think positively... Its amazing how I actually start to feel that way.. today is a vey lonely day... going downstairs to see the main floor empty makes me feel like im not even at home any more... I feel like this house is a strangers house..... I constantly look at the spots where she was .... her fur is everywhere... I don't even want to get rid of it... I am soo heart broken, I am so in love with my dog.... she deserves the best in life and putting her down was the best thing for her because she was a gentle loving peaceful dog who deserved the same ending to her life.... I feel guilty sometiems because I feel like we took her life... and I cry often because of that... but Nika was striggling to be here for us and she wouldnt have left us I know it... she would have went through so much pain and suffering and still show she loved us and wanted to be here for us.... and she was just waiting for our call because she was ready but would only be ready if we were...


My Beautiful Nika, You have noo idea how much I adore you... I would kiss you all the time because I couldnt get enough of you... I would pet you for hours despite how itchy my eyes got from the allergies because I loved you so much.... I would kiss you goodnight come up stairs and then halfway through felts like I didnt kiss you enough and pet you and message you enough so I would come back down and end up spening hours with you.... I hope you know how much I love you... I hope you know it despite my teenage years when I would neglect you and take you for granted. You know I truly love you and I swear, some would say youre just a dog but Nika you were my baby, even when I was a baby myself. Back then you were my friend and I felt like you were older than me and gave me advice but just listening to me and trying to play with me and make me laugh just to make me snap out of any nonsense I was dealing with.... but after I became 18 I automatically treated you like a child... I took control of my responsibilities alittle more... I felt like you were my baby... and Nika, You were and still are!... that puppy face grew with you and you aged so greacfully baby girl... You are soo gorgeous and youre face will always be in my memory... I am sorry baby that you held on just for me and mommy, we both love you dearly and all we ask now is that youre happy and you are free! Be anything you can be Angel, I know you will be with us every now and then I know you will come and visit me sometimes because you were a dedicated puuppyy. I will never ever forget you angel especially all the fun times we had together! all the times I brought you out with my friends and played soccer and you were on my team! You were such a good goalie Nika! And when we played hockey! ahaha you were soo funny holding on to the stick... My memories can go on foreever and ever.... our secret bond will always keep me happy and content... you and I had something extremely special puppy... I will always remember that... Bloggers its tough losing a pet, because of the secret bond... its one where you just have to know that you love them and they love you... you just have to secretly express it and know it.... but all I know, is that a part of ones soul is never awake until you have loved the soul of an animal.. Nika where ever you aree, just know you were an angel here on earth, God would be crazy not to make you an angel in heaven!..... I believe angels come in all forms.. and You were the most beautiful angel in my life... you made me feel so much joy so much happiness.. so much love... I love you always and forever as long as im living my puppy you'll be! Here is a beautiful video that makes me happy each time<3 I love you Nika you have a beautiful soul in you.