Where should I start. I can go on forever with my previous journey and how much I have changed. But I need to write about this because I will finally feel like the lethargic butterfly being let free from clasped hands. My heart had been wandering around carlessly and clumsily out there in the wilderness for the majourity of my life. I never noticed how many people I have hurt along the way, not intentionally of course because I was way too focused on all those who had hurt me. A wandering heart doesn't mean to jeapordize it's relationship with others. It just hopes it finds its place someway, somehow and I just hope those who love me as much as I love them know how sorry I am that they were involved. I just followed the lead with my needs coming first.
We all have had those moments, and some have had them in the midst of inforgettable times. I know I have. Some of my most promisingly unforgettable moments in my life haunt me all the time. I don't exactly know why, I just hope for them to flee from me in time. Some just pop up occasionally in attack mode just to put me in a guilty position. I can go on forever thiniking about every mistake I've made but I hope to think details aren't important. I watched Sex and the City today and there is a quote from Carrie Bradshaw indicating that Forgivness is basically universal and if you want to be forgiven for something you need to learn how to forgive someone else no matter how strong you may feel that person shouldn't have your forgiveness.
Life works in mysterious ways. I got to acknowledge God for that. He has a plan for everybody and mine definately is mysterious.
The things I whole heartedly feel sorry for are the things that have changed my life for the better. I wish I could take them back but then I wouldn't be who I am today either. Many of my actions led to one thing that I felt was so important to me and that was, to have attention. I thought that was the most important thing about life which once again leads back to selfishness.
So, guilt built up in me as it still does today. However, I should just be thankful that my life played out this way. When I once thought that it was only me, myself and I that was hurt along the way I didn't even care to notice that I had somoene who loved me for who I was. As I slowly directed my wandering heart to the one who loved me most, I was still making carless mistakes that just didn't phase me as being wrong. But without doing that I wouldn't have learned so much in a short period of time as young as I am. Just as I was thinking it was me, myself and I. reality kicked in with a big News flash! It's Me and You. Why didn't I see this back then? I can think of all the upsetting times in my life and they all lead to one answer. I wasn't ready.
I didn't see it back then because back then I was too selfish to notice. I was so angry at the world because they didn't care to notice my feelings and so, the world shouldn't get to really engage in my feelings.
Everything I did in the past was kept between me, myself and I, and kept all my indulgence's sworn to secracy. But I did it all with a stable mind frame and a great big smile on my face so that no one would think I was this way.
Along the run, I told myself. It's only you Jess, only you and God. And God places people in your life to guide you along your way to righteousness. I had that idea going good for me and it seemed like I was on track. But I took God's shpeel a little to narrow mindedly.
I forgot about the other brilliant lessons like "Do unto others as you would have want done unto you". Nope never even crossed my mind in most cases. Those near and dear to me had to handle ALL my insecurities and unhappiness while I just never thought once about their feelings.
I went through many changes these past 2 years but mainly this year. I wonder why now all the time when it doesn't matter why or when but that it happened. I learned my lesson officially at 22 years old. And I know now the value of love and how much we should respect all of those we love. I give my self credit for this because many girls my age have not yet realised this.
I just hope those that love me return the favor and accept me for all the wrong I have done. Sometimes it just takes time to evolve. But I did it. I hope they are proud.
I want to thank my friends for all their love and support, the one's who sat there and listened to me ramble for hours just when I needed them.
My Mom and Dad, you did an amazing job rasing me. You taught me that there is a good in me and that I should strive for it each day because without you guys being there from the very beginning I would not have even seen this side of me.
and Lastly, I want to thank my greatest teacher of all time, Handsome. Who taught me so much in just 3 years. Who stuck with me through my transformation with an immense amount of understanding. I know who I am today and I wouldn't have known this if he didn't teach me in only 3 years those 3 special words to battle life: HOW TO LOVE